Why are so many people so lonely?

When I finally asked myself this question with the firm intention to find answers, little did I know I was about to start a snowball effect in many ways and I was not aware that great friendships were about to come into my life.

In 2017, after many years of just barely breathing in and out, I decided I was ready for a meaningful one-on-one relationship. I realized I had shedded my skin and had paid my dues, which is an amazingly peaceful state of mind to reach, so I wrote an online profile to start dating and in the following weeks, I met with many nice gentlemen without finding a good enough reason to start dating any of them.

After those frustrating attempts to find a “significant other” I could share my cute and balanced little life with, after many months of unsuccessful coffee interviews with nice men who were very confused about what they were looking for, I stopped for a while and started searching for answers to dissipate my confusion.

My exploration of the dating scene had been so daunting and made me feel so inadequate that I decided to gather opinions from other people who were maybe getting frustrated with the online dating experience as well (If they even existed)
Because I knew self-criticism is a very real problem with online dating, even if you have a somehow strong sense of your worth, and because I didn’t want to start turning into a victim, I started looking for plausible explanations outside of myself to try to save my ego.

So, I jumped in and sent an open invitation on meetup calling for people who were interested in discussing the implications of being single: The Singles Club on Meetup.com.   I was imagining I was going to be able to meet at least four or five people I could discuss this topic with and eventually, maybe, call them friends (or at least, online-dating co-sufferers).

Almost fifty people came to that first meeting and every meeting after that one.
Every week for almost a whole year. Just the tip of an iceberg that is a testaments to social isolation.

As a result of that experience, I realized that people are essentially alone, and lonely, everywhere. Even in relationships.

We can answer this question by blaming a million different reasons for the isolation human beings are suffering more and more in modern societies.

  • We could, maybe, blame the capitalistic model and the terrible pressure to become more productive, more efficient, more perfect which a makes us sacrifice our needs in order to work more and be more competitive and make more money. We become isolated because we don’t foster relationships outside of the office.
  • Or, we could blame technology because it allows us to hide behind a computer and not talk with friends or family.
  • We could even blame the high cost of plastic surgery that makes us unsuccessful at dating others in a competitive market of perfectly fit and good-looking people.
  • Or we could blame vanity but, are we really that vane?
    Or is the illusion of vanity what seems to propel us when, in fact, there is a much worse enemy lurking under the surface?

Well, I have learned that the worst enemy of all relationships happens to be our own broken hearts.

And I don’t mean the pain of the failure of our last marriage. I am talking about the trauma we accumulate in life. This link will take you to my take on trauma: “Lasagna anybody?”

We all suffer all kinds of trauma in life, not only at home, many of us have been bullied at school, were not accepted in a club, have had neighbors that don’t like our gardening style…  you name it, we keep feeling like nobody accepts us or cares about us.

And we work on these layers of growing emotional pain and the scars some life events have left in our souls, one way or another we are capable of succeeding at accepting ourselves so we can open the doors to a new, good, high-value, positive relationship.

But, let’s go back to online dating. There are some questions that should be asked before we can write a profile, add some photos to it and upload to sites like OKCupid, Match.com and all the other ones: 

Now I understand why many of those people I met for coffee, through the online sites, were not looking for the kind of person I am in this new dimension of mine, nor were they looking for what I could offer them.
Because I don’t have any baggage anymore, I know how to be emotionally assertive and I don’t want to make any more mistakes. So, now I am at peace and ready to offer caring and understanding love. With no power struggles or low blows. And asking for the same.

The most beautiful result of all of this searching? many of those other people, those who joined me to discuss dating, became beloved friends who always put new smiles on my face. Reaching out is always a great idea!

PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT, BELOW, how should this conversation continue?

© Adriana Avellino and Questions from Life – 2019-2020. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author / owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Adriana Avellino and Questions from Life – with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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